Today was normal, and despite how boring that sounds, I am ecstatic about it. For far too long have my days been sub par. And today I hit par. It might have to do with the fact that I’ve been eating more; I’ve also since stopped smoking cigarettes. My total mental health seems to have taken yet another turn for the better.
This morning, I awoke fairly early. My morning routine has been gradually starting earlier and earlier until today, I woke up at a healthy 8:00 AM. For some reason I didn’t mope around for too long and I got my ass to school. After class, I went to my appointment with Corey, my therapist. He helped remind me to be mindful. I had almost forgot about last weeks lesson: don’t waste the present by worrying about the future and reminiscing the past. I felt empowered after the hour long session. There’s nothing I can do about the past. And I can control my future by staying in the present. If I can remind myself that I am in control of my present, I can control my future. Such a small realization, that I had already known but not absorbed, really lifted my mood.
How peculiar a time: my mood lifts and I’ve run out of anti-depressants. It’s been almost a week since I’d taken my last pill, and somehow, I feel more alive. I can’t attribute my mood to the absence of pills though. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence. I’ve also been practising yoga every two-three days. Yoga really helps me to remain mindful of my surroundings and situation.
On the way home, I walked behind a blond girl with a spectacular ass. It was torture to pry my eyes from her bodacious behind. But I didn’t want to leer. My mind raced with ways to chat her up. I only thought of something to say after I realized that I’d been lingering on her ass for too long. It was too late and the creep-factor had already set it. When chatting up a girl, one can not be hesitant. He who hesitates, masturbates. You’d think that I would learn this idiom after last week’s experience. Coming home from school Thursday morning, I caught a tiny, cute girl looking my way on the bus. I dismissed it and buried my face into my iPhone. For some reason I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched and when I looked up again, I had caught her looking away, and she was smiling. I felt extremely self-conscious and thought maybe I had some boogies hanging out. Using my camera phone I checked. No sign of stalactites. Looking up again, she was smiling at me. I panicked and looked out the window. Only after she got off the bus did my adrenaline subside. Only then did I think of something to say. “Hi, you’re cute, what’s your name?” Even a simple, “Hello” would have sufficed. I tried to get too fancy with picking her up. Sometimes just initiating the conversation is enough. But alas, he who hesitates, masturbates.
Despite feeling wistless about the situation with Julia, we’d been texting one another almost daily. Our texts felt respectively forced. However, physical attraction alone seems to be holding it together. Maybe she’s just feeling nervous. Maybe I am. Tonight she bailed, last minute, despite pumping me with texts about dressing up for tonight’s Halloween-themed dodgeball session. Fuck it.
Kyle, a dodgeball team mate, messaged me saying that he would be dropping acid before our game. I was tempted to ask him to save me a tab. It would make tonight so much fun. Just thinking about psychedelics is giving me the shivers. I feel my adrenaline pumping now. But I’m trying to abstain. I keep telling myself that I’ve passed that phase of my life. My body tells me otherwise.
Evan will also be missing out tonight. I hope his anxieties aren’t acting up again. He recently sent me his finished short story. In it, he touched on his feelings towards my mental state, which was touching. However I hope it doesn’t change our friendship’s dynamics. It feels weird writing about this here, since he’ll probably be reading it, and since we haven’t talked about it face-to-face. What a strange dance this is.
Last night I dreamt about my late grandmother. I miss her incredibly. I dreamt of my last couple days with her in the hospital before she passed. Except instead of dying, she recovered. I hope I dream of her every night. Those dreams feel so damn real. Her voice and touch were all so vivid. She felt so close to me. In my dreams, her smell was absent, though. I don’t remember what that smells like. It’s weird that I miss her old lady smell; a smell so distinctly hers.
In the dream she called my name in that way that she only does. “Jay.” She wasn’t in any pain, in the dream; a stark contrast of what transpired. She was just lying in the hospital bed, looking at me in that loving way that only grandmothers can. My heart melts when thinking of that face.
It’s hard to type this, especially with my vision blurring and my face leaking.
I miss you grandma.
I don’t necessarily believe in a Christian version of heaven. But I believe that when we die, we all return to one, over-arching consciousness. My own version of heaven. I know she’s out there, somewhere.
I love you grandma.
I hope I can make you proud.